All
The Tech News Thats Fit To Be Invented
As every tech editor knows, January is a lousy month
for innovation. Nothing new comes down the pike. Press releases flow into
our inboxes at a trickle (not that Im complaining about that) and
usually dont raise much interest. (Acme
Corp. cements relationship with its existing customers!
Translation: We sent them a holiday fruit basket.) Even the
mainstream news is boring this month: Raelian cultists probably faked the
cloned baby story (theres always got to be at least one group for whom
L. Ron Hubbard wasnt quite weird enough, they have to take it a step
further), tax cuts, changes in accounting procedures, Amtrak reducing its
fares, Jennifer Lopez is getting married for the eighth time in twenty
minutes. Wake me up when the year starts.
So, in order to spice things up this week, Im
going to make up some new technologies I would like to see. Normally, we
technology editors arent allowed to invent stories, unlike our esteemed
colleagues at the National Enquirer or the Weekly World News
(Space
Aliens Pledge Their Support In War With Iraq), so I think that
its only fair that we get that chance at least once a year. I did try
to emulate the tabloids headline style once, but Skills-Based
Routing Shocker! The Truth Comes Out! just didnt seem to fit atop
TMCnet.com very well. So, here goes
The Media Feedback Mouse
Button
I want an extra button on my mouse. I want it to be able to send a signal,
when pushed, into my computer, over the Internet, and directly into the
chairs of the lead news editors at CNN and MSNBC. When they begin beating
a story to death by putting it on the home page so many times youre
convinced you are mysteriously getting into their Web sites archives
and re-reading the same days uninteresting news over and over again
(Lance Whatshisname NSync member in space, for example), I want to be
able to hit my mouse button and zap the editor out of his chair with a
brief and harmless but uncomfortable electric shock. Alternatively, I want
a public opinion button on CNN that will allow us to vote to send the
members of NSync into spacepermanently. Rememberin space, no one
can hear you sing.
A Box That Prorates My Time Viewing Content Online
I want a box that sits next to my computer that determines the exact
amount of time I spend being forced to watch pop-up ads and their more
offensive cousins, the kind that crawl across the screen, slowly obscuring
whatever it is youre reading. This is the online equivalent of making
you buy an $8 movie ticket and then forcing you to watch five commercials
before the movie starts. If you make me look at pop-ups for a minute a
day, I want that 30 minutes a month deducted from my bill.
Web-Enabled Exercise Equipment
Each time I spend 35 minutes cycling to nowhere on the exercise bike
at my gym, I find myself sweating through the same three-year-old,
dog-eared copy of Architectural Digest. I have nothing against
architecture, but I find it challenging to successfully erect a pile of
towels on a shelf in my bathroom; the concept of putting up a whole
building is pretty foreign to me. Think of the time that could be saved if
I could do my daily Web surfing while doing my daily pedaling. Plus, the
digital read-out on the exercise bike could be linked to a Web site with
calorie burn information, and I could place my take-out lunch order based
on how hard Id worked: 30 minutes earns tuna salad on a bed of lettuce,
for 45 minutes of cycling, I could throw in the bread and a pickle on the
side.
A Tax On Broken Links
A buck a link a month. Think of the money that could be raised for
charity! Think how much less cluttered the Internet would be!
A Web Filter That Blocks The Rest Of Us From The
People Who Seem To Think We All Need Web Filters For Our Own Good
This is technology that would be helpful to the same kind of people
who seem to think that other peoples children shouldnt be allowed to
read Harry Potter books lest it turn them into card-carrying mini minions
of Beelzebub.
A Backup Copy Of My Brain
Dont you ever wish that you could make a backup copy of your brain
on one of your most sparkling, lively and witty days, and save it for
those mornings when you wake up dull-witted, over-tired and barely able to
remember how to put on your socks, let alone the complexities of the
project on which youre currently embarking at work?
A brain copy plus a voice synthesizer could also be
responsible for conducting those telephone conversations that are socially
required, but not much funsuch as those in which you find yourself
listening to a lengthy description of your great aunts bunion
condition, or a friends protests that the fact that he stays home seven
nights a week creating his dream girl with The Sims has nothing to do with
the reality that he hasnt had a date with a live, carbon-based woman in
three years.
The Humperdinker
This is a very small, unobtrusive device that must be installed, by
law, in the computer of anyone under 18, or those who have been in trouble
for hacking or virus creation previously. What it does is detect when the
computers user has done something unlawful, such as create a nuisance
virus, launch a denial-of-service attack or hack into Web sites to obtain
information and credit card numbers. At that time, it replaces every MP3
file on the users computer with the entire songbook recording
collection of Englebert Humperdink (both live and studio versions). For
variety, this device is also available as the Manilow-izer.
Though I dont expect to see any of these devices
at the Consumer Electronics Show next year, I do expect the engineers of
the world to get busy working on them.
Until then, I think Ill go read some press releases
about companies refining the type font in the index of their users
manuals.
The author may be contacted at tschelmetic@tmcnet.com. She has
never been kidnapped by aliens.
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