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March 27, 2015

Cigars, Cognac and a Call Center Executive: The Trials of a Vendor

By Dr. Brooks Mitchell, COB of Snowfly Inc.

A few months ago, I became re-acquainted with a former business colleague and friend, in town on a business trip. I had always enjoyed his company and was glad he accepted my invitation to spend the night at my house. But, to be totally honest, I knew he’d moved up the corporate ladder with a large call center with multiple locations and would be an excellent source of business leads for my own company, Snowfly (News - Alert).



What a great opportunity to kill two birds with one stone: pleasure and business!

We had a wonderful meal (I cook a perfect steak) and adjourned to my patio. It was a beautiful summer evening in Colorado and I started a fire to add the consummate touch to our Napoleon Cognac and Cuban cigars.

           

I visited with John (his name has been changed to protect his reputation) for several minutes as we reminisced about old times and friends. He told me about his numerous and significant successes within the world of corporate America.

“This is great,” I thought, “an easy entry to the connected executives within his organization.”

Unfortunately, John kept talking and never asked about my current venture. When he finally stopped to pour himself another glass of my very expensive cognac, I jumped in. “John,” I asked, “Are you familiar with Snowfly?”

“No,” he replied while slowly exhaling smoke from my very, very, pricey cigar. I waited in vain for him to ask about Snowfly, but he never said a word as he picked up the cognac bottle to inspect how much remained.

I broke the silence before he could tell me more about the greatness of the corporate world. I talked about Snowfly and our innovative approach to employee motivation and incentives. I bragged about our growing success and described our impressive results with call centers similar to his. Surely he would “take the bait” and ask how I could introduce Snowfly’s concepts to his fellow executives. No such luck.

When all else fails, be direct. I blurted out, “John, I would like to meet the right managers in your organization and show them how Snowfly could help them.”

He closed his eyes, nodded his head, and blew a few perfect smoke rings to gather his obviously deep and insightful thoughts. “Brooks,” he replied in a flawless pontifical manner, “your paradigms are interesting, if not fully developed. Under the right circumstances, there might possibly be a situation whereby we could consider their potential merits.”

“But first,” he continued, “you must be certain your value proposition would exponentially increase the corporation’s alignment of objectives. It’s imperative to incorporate the territorial domain of all affected stakeholders.”

“Wow, what a great idea,” I responded, feigning spontaneous enlightenment.

John continued, “Brooks, let me ask you … do you have a published mission statement?”

“Damn right I do,” I proudly reported.

“What is it?”

The cognac was beginning to “set in” and I couldn’t resist answering, “To make as much money as we can at a fair price until we have enough to buy a corporate jet.”

John took my flippant statement seriously. It was increasingly obvious I wouldn’t get any sales leads from him, so I decided to “egg him on” and enjoy the conversation. John didn’t disappoint me.

“Bubba,” he drawled, “if you are going to have any modicum of success in our company, you must present your business plan (I don’t have one) and task force strategy to our executive planners so they can mesh it with the sub-components of each stated corporate business element. You must explain the expected ROI in terms of the economic impact on 32 corporate directional metrics. Make absolutely certain your value proposition does not conflict in any way with the corporate mission objectives and remains aligned with the stated BOD mandates.”

“This is brilliant stuff,” I commented insincerely. “I had no idea so much was involved in the business process. Please go on.”

John had no problem continuing. “Bubbie,” (Brooks, Bubba, Bubbie comprise the natural progression of my names induced by four glasses of cognac) “you need to be cognizant of the fact that we are a diverse culture with numerous sub-cultures. It’s why we’re so successful. You must guarantee your principles and concepts will not offend the sensibilities of our global constituents.”

“You’re absolutely brilliant,” I fibbed.

“Bubbsie,” John replied, ”any potential delivery cycle must be demonstrably void of spikes and barriers to the existing smoothness of our existing organizational initiatives. If you make a presentation to us, it must be free of overly evangelistic auras and any hint of charisma.” (Damn, that’s what I do when I make a pitch.)

“That would be interpreted as immaturity and an attempt to conceal flaws in your proposition,” John continued. “Just stick to the facts.”

“We have a very mature and cohesive management team that knows how to sift through well-prepared and verifiable data. Everything we do is encapsulated within a 360-degree, closed-loop feedback cycle, and supported by state-of-the-art workforce analysis, fueled by factual and emotionless analytics,” said John.

He went on and on, and eventually concluded, “Bubber … we, like you, are a very entrepreneurial organization and always encourage new ideas from anyone. If you can grasp the vision of our culture and sophisticated paradigms, perhaps we can move ahead. Do you have any questions?”

I had no questions but several comments I wanted to make. However, I didn’t because the Napoleon Cognac was gone (I only had one glass) and John was nodding off.

Instead, I said, “Thanks John, this has been very enlightening and helpful. When I can pull it all together, I’ll give you a call.”

I never did.

As John staggered to my liquor closet to search for another bottle of brandy, I thought, “Hell, all I wanted was an appointment to demonstrate a great and proven product that could save him a lot of money.”

Such are the trials and tribulations of a vendor!




Edited by Dominick Sorrentino
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