Scene: A castle on a windy moor in Northumbria. Two guards at the castle talking.
Guard #1: ‘Tis but a watch and Sir Qwest rides again for Lady Micci.
Guard #2: Ho! The varlet faints not, I will say. Our master Lord Verizon hath many times the arms and men, horses and castles, yet Sir Qwest is not dismayed. What marriage proposal today?
Guard #1: $8.94 billion, $27.50 per Lady Micci share, up from $25.60, but the cash portion of the bid raised to $13.50 per share from $10.10. Overall close to $4.4 billion to be paid in cash, with only $4.5 billion in Sir Qwest stock issued to her shareholders. But soft you now, it be personal with our Lord Verizon…
[Lord Verizon storms past guards, letter in hand, raging at his factor, who’s following and counting numbers on a sheet of paper.]
Lord Verizon: Zounds! What a piece of work is this man! He writes to her [Reading to his factor] “… particularly dismayed that Lady Micci did not contact us to discuss our willingness to adjust our offer prior to signing the amended merger agreement, a step the Lady deliberately chose not to take even though it certainly could have benefited shareholders.” Lord, what a fool this mortal be!
Factor: It will not do, your lordship, he seeks only to wive wealthily.
Lord Verizon: My gold is ten times stronger than his, he puts together mere financial alchemy to win the Lady Micci’s favor yet the daft lady is moonstruck… frailty, thy name is woman.
Factor: Indeed, my lord. Shall we… add to our $7.51 billion proposal?
Lord Verizon: Not yet. I have instructed Lady Micci’s attendants that I am exercising my right to force a vote by her investors on the merger before a special shareholder meeting scheduled for that purpose ere rough winds do shake the darling buds of May. What be our sweetest offer, factor?
Factor: [Checking the paper] $23.10 per share, consisting of $8.35 in cash and the remainder in Verizon shares.
Lord Verizon: A damned good offer, mind ye. The wench has but said she will study the proposal and “respond accordingly." Methinks she is enamored of the rogue’s false charms, she believes he hath given his empire! [Gestures to the letter] The villain chargeth her with "favoring one bidder over another" to her stockholders’ folly! I ask you! Was ever woman in this humor woo’d? Nothing can come of nothing.
[They exit stage right.]
Guard #1: Why Sir Qwest continueth upon this foolhardy quest?
Guard #2: He built a castle in a bloody swamp, the Lady Micci’s lands and flocks look fair passing to him. Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.
Guard #1: Aye, and when Duke SBC Communications married Lady AT&T, our Lord Verizon waxeth sore and swore to win the hand of Lady Micci straight.
[Scene: A derelict castle in the middle of a swamp. Sir Qwest is pacing his room, muttering to his fool.]
Qwest: ‘Tis but a watch since we sent our last offer of love to the Lady Micci, yet she spurns me still. What sayest thou, fool?
Motley Fool: The Lady Micci showeth a marriage with a Qwesting knight might generate a little more than $50 million in positive owner earnings. Yet net interest paid for 2004 would have come close to $2 billion. That's a massive deficit, at least some of which would have to have been covered by the $7.2 billion the combined firm would have had in the bank. Methinketh the lady doth protest too much, m’lord?
Qwest: Thou art a pretty fool! I am constant as the northern star! We boosted the amount of Qwest stock paid if its share price falls below a certain level before the proposed deal is completed. We mayest substitute cash for about $2 billion worth of the stock to be paid to Lady Micci’s investors, there shall be no torrent of new stock diluting the value of existing Qwest shares. We have $2 billion from good Mr. Shylock of Venice.
Fool: Eye of newt and toe of frog. Our shares hath dropped 7 cents, or 1.9 percent, to $3.70 while that cockerel Verizon's rose 7 cents to $35.56 ? Who’s the fool here, nuncle?
Qwest: Thou might say rightly, fool, but all that glisters is not gold. I crave the Lady Micci for my very life. [Draws sword] We ride, fool. Who can say they were with Harry today!
Fool: [aside to audience] Aye, for her hand and God’s will her castle and gold as well.
[Exeunt.]
David Sims is contributing editor and CRM Alert columnist for TMCnet.
To discover how contact centers can save money and increase productivity by making the switch to IP Telephony, be sure to attend TMC's IP Contact Center Summit May 24-26, 2005, in Dallas, Texas. IP Contact Center Summit is co-located with the Speech-World conference, where you can get expert guidance in the deployment of speech technologies to strengthen customer relationships.
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