[November 19, 2004]

Things To Do With Convicted Spammers
Dot Commentary

by Tracey E. Schelmetic
Editorial Director, CUSTOMER INTER@CTION Solutions�

You’ve probably heard this lawyer joke:

Did you hear that research scientists are now using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? Apparently, there are some things even rats won’t do.

Today, there’s good news for the lawyers of the world: when it comes to “low life form” jokes, they’re no longer the prime target. Now, we’ve got spammers.

History was made recently in that the United States saw its very first felony conviction for spamming. A brother-and-sister team was convicted in Virginia, on three counts each, of sending bogus e-mail in staggering quantities and of engaging in deceptive practices to render their “business communications” untraceable. What were they peddling? You don’t need me to tell you, look at your in-box: hair, changed body parts, sexy schoolgirls, cheap drugs, work-at-home schemes, world peace and a guaranteed…err…stiffening of one’s resolve. The primary scam introduced into evidence in this case, however, was a “Fed Ex Refund Processor,” a miraculous machine that could enable one to earn $75 per hour working from home (and never have to turn off “Oprah” or reruns of “Hogan’s Heroes,” presumably).

Virginia’s anti-spam law went into effect in July of 2003. California, Washington and Maryland have also enacted state anti-spam laws. Because Congress seems unable to pass any kind of meaningful federal legislation related to unsolicited e-mail, the states have begun to realize they need to step in.

The jury recommended the man, 30-year-old Jeremy Jaynes, spend nine years in prison. His 28-year-old sister, Jessica deGroot, was fined $7,500. A third individual was found innocent of the charges. Though the defendants are North Carolina residents, the offending spam was carried by AOL servers located in Virginia. (Can you see a jurisdictional nightmare being spawned in the legal profession? I can.)

Jaynes’ lawyer, David Oblon, reportedly managed to feign shock at the conviction and the jury’s recommendation for punishment. Among other things, he maintained that Mr. Jaynes “was a North Carolina resident and therefore would have been unaware of the Virginia law.” Yeah, right…and I didn’t see that stop sign, officer. When did they put that darned thing up?

The defense also argued that the prosecution “failed to present evidence that the e-mails sent by the defendants were unsolicited.” If you listen hard, you can still hear the echoes of the jury howling at that one.

Now we’ll have spammers in prison. I’m imagining a conversation among inmates that goes like this:

Inmate Jim: [Sitting down.] Hey, there…what are you in for?

Inmate Phil: Well, first I robbed a liquor store, and then I hit a little old lady over the head with a clubbed seal. Then I snatched a nun’s purse, stole and crashed a church van full of recently adopted puppies, drove to an orphanage and swiped all the kids’ lunch money at gunpoint, after which I sat down to a meal of poached spotted owl. Finally, I performed an unnatural act with a garden gnome. What are you in for?

Inmate Jim: Spamming.

Inmate Phil: [Leaps off the bench.] Arrgh! Get away from me, you soulless reprobate!

Reactions have been mixed thus far. Satisfying as the “nine years in prison” business is, the small fine has baffled some. Message board discussions on the topic point out that Jaynes made approximately $24 million on his activities — yet he was fined $7,500. Considering his nine years in prison will likely turn into much less time due to good behavior (unless he starts trying to peddle miracle hair-growing soap to other inmates for $29.95 a pop), many consumers and businesses in cyberspace lament that he’ll be free in a few short years to enjoy his millions.

While I disagree with many that spammers should be taken from the courtroom shortly after conviction and pelted to death with bottles of All Natural Herbal Pep-Pills, I am in favor of punishment to fit the crime. Some ideas:

• Let’s suspend all animal testing immediately, which will win approval from all animal lovers, and test products on convicted spammers, which will win approval from nearly everyone on the planet, except for that guy in Boise, Idaho, who swears that Miracle Hair-Be-Gone gets rid of his unsightly nose hair.

• Shortly before police arrest the people who spam you with e-mail offering to sell you anyone’s personal information, we’ll employ them to ferret out the spammers’ bank accounts and social security information, and send the information to all those dictators’ widows in Nigeria.

• Today the costs of running computer or telecom shows and conferences are very high. What the industry could use is a strong force of volunteers: to direct traffic, clean restrooms, empty trash cans, lift boxes, print badges, set tables, etc. I propose we volunteer a group of convicted spammers to offer these valuable community services. Each will be given his or her own t-shirt (for unity and continuity purposes only, you understand) that reads “Convicted Spammer.” Then we put these people to work among thousands of front-line IT workers…at Comdex, perhaps, or large Star Trek conventions. Our volunteers are sure to be very popular with the attendees.

• Because confession is, they say, good for the soul, those convicted spammers who push chat and phone sessions with “sexy school girls” should be required to take photos of those very workers they employ to conduct these services. I’d like to be present when one of these spam professionals informs the people he’s been fleecing that the cute, anatomically improbable co-ed that his clients have been chatting with is actually a hairy, greasy, 275-pound unemployed delivery man from Duluth.

As you can see, I do have forgiveness for spammers in my soul. They’re only human. Scratch that. They’re only carbon-based life forms. With some rehabilitation, some genuine repentance, a little therapy and a healthy dose of humiliation, they can reach for the stars and, at the very least, attain the level of respect society reserves for lawyers.

The author, who is laughing WITH lawyers, not AT them, may be contacted at [email protected].