[December 1, 2004]

Drink In Hand? Drop That Phone! Or�

BY DAVID R. BUTCHER

In time for the oft-spiked eggnog holiday, Reuters has broken BIG (all CAPS because of the awesome importance) news in the field of cell phone technology.

Reuters reported a story yesterday about a mobile phone company that is offering its customers a practical, pride-preserving service on particular nights of, ahem, over-consumption.

As exhibited in stores and on television since around early August, Christmas is rapidly approaching. And alcohol, as we know, has been a social lubricant for centuries and is consumed by the gallon at the peak of the holidays. This is due in part to: 1) company parties; 2) people who feel at a loss when without family to celebrate with; and 3) people who actually do have family to celebrate with and who wish they were with the other people.

During this holiday time frame each year, a significant increase in number of ‘party fouls’ caused by shameless inebriation takes place, by which millions of people make a decision that they will regret the following morning.

No, not hacking your hand off while trying to uncork the seventh bottle of red wine, mistaking the blender for the corkscrew. Not getting a DUI while one-handedly steering yourself to the hospital, with your recently ‘freed’ hand riding shotgun in the ice cooler that held the cheap beer. Not even attempting to do the surgery yourself at the hospital while no one’s looking. No, this is a much more terrifying post-party rue.

We’re talking about drunkenly calling your ex, or worse, your boss.

(…And a chill up your spine.)

An Australian mobile phone company is offering “customers the chance to blacklist numbers before heading out for a night on the town,” thus reducing the risk of placing any embarrassing and incoherent late-night calls to people who really shouldn’t be receiving them — at least not from you: soused calls to your boss; lush calls to your mother; sloshed calls to your current partner, with whom ‘total honesty’ is, let’s face it, rarely if ever a good idea. Or to your former flame.

A recent survey of 409 people by Virgin Mobile, a joint venture of The Virgin Group and Optus, found disturbing tidings: 95 percent of those surveyed called people while under the influence. Of those calls, 30 percent were to exes, 19 percent were to current partners, and 36 percent were to other people, including their bosses. The survey also found that more people — 55 percent — will first reach for their mobile phone the following morning to check who they had dialed, instead of the eight percent who would reach for painkillers. More than half those surveyed also said they made up to three calls per night.

Virgin Mobile intends its “dialing under the influence” service to prevent those loud and slurred calls from taking place. Virgin carriers can simply dial a number followed by the phone number(s) they wish not to call as they go out for ‘a coupla drinks’; or as they host their own party; or as they share an intimate evening snuggling with the Captain — Morgan; 750mL. This essentially blacklists those specified numbers until six a.m. the following day, possible salvation from:

Her: Hello?

Me: Hey! Heeeeyy! Listen. I mish shoo.

Her:…

Me: Itsh a party!

Her: David? How’d you get my number? What do you …

Me: Liiiiiisten! Yeah. Listen. [Sigh] I still don’t knows what happeneds with ush. Why’d you break my heeaarrt?

Her:…

Me: And I knoooow it’s been like 4 yearsh. But it’s Chriiiistmasss tiiiime!

Her: It’s been 4 years. And you broke up with me.

[Beat]

Me: Oh. Yeah. Huh.

Her: Well?

Me: Itsh a party!

The dignity-conserving service begins today.

David R. Butcher is assistant editor for Customer Inter@ction Solutions Magazine.

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