Dear Crabby: Movie theater etiquette explained
Feb 07, 2013 (Yakima Herald-Republic - McClatchy-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX) --
I need help!
What is proper movie theater etiquette
You come to the theater, there are eight doors open and one goshdarn line. (Crabby's note: The letter writer did not use the term "goshdarn"; he used "$%^&*, which I always read as "goshdarn.") You try and go to one of the other doors and the people start yelling "the line's over here goshdarnhead!"
Heaven forbid you buy your tickets online and pass the line to check in. Do I just give 'em the finger and go on or try and talk my way past them
Big Screen Dean
Dear Big Screen,
If you have tickets, you can go right in, right Isn't that the whole thing about buying tickets online Maybe the people who yelled at you didn't understand that you already had tickets. In that position, I'd either ignore them or single out the most obnoxious one and say, "I already have tickets, buddy. I bought them online because I'm not an idiot. Also, your face looks dumb." You should say that even if his face doesn't really look all that dumb.
Of course, this could lead to a more significant confrontation than you're really up for. So you have to decide, "Am I prepared to fight someone and possibly miss all of the previews and half of the opening credits answering questions in the back of a police car " If not, then omit the parts about the guy being a dumb-faced idiot and just try to explain yourself. If he persists even after learning you already have tickets, then walk past him and don't worry about it; the dude is just one of those wrong guys who's wrong about things. They pop up from time to time and should be ignored.
Now, with that settled, I'd like to take the opportunity to address another aspect of movie etiquette: texting while viewing. I will do this by way of open letter.
Dear guy in front of me who pulls out his phone during the tense moments of every dramatic film,
It's incredible how big and bright your phone is. It appears to be a standard iPhone, but in this dark theater it somehow burns with the intensity of a thousand suns. (Must be some kind of make-strangers-hate-me app.) Anyway, I know you think it's important to tell your friend Stinkman that "Zero Dark Thirty" is (sic) "totes sweet, bro. theyre about to mess bin laden up! and the CIA chick is hot!,", but sending that message during the climactic Navy SEAL raid kind of messes up the vibe for the rest of us.
It's great that you like the film and wonderful that you're excited about it -- vive la cinema, non -- but there is a time and place for everything. The time for eating dinner is 6 p.m. each night. The time for "The Cosby Show" is 8 p.m. Thursdays from 1984 to 1992. And the time for you to put your damn phone away and stop annoying me is right now.
Guy sitting behind you, steaming in his own anger
Thanks for bringing up theater etiquette, Big Screen Dean. Hope that helps.
--If you have a question for Dear Crabby, email it with the subject line "Dear Crabby" to On magazine lead writer Pat Muir at firstname.lastname@example.org. We'll keep your name anonymous and do our best to give you some truly horrible advice.
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