[August 26, 2011] Speaker: Help kids find better ways to deal with pressure Tweet Aug 26, 2011 (Clay Center Dispatch - McClatchy-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX) -- Showing a video of notes from teens that read things like "I cut to take away the pain" and "I'd rather be a popular idiot than a lonely genius" and "I can change my hair so often because I can't change myself," and "I thought racism was extinct," a motivational speaker got to the root of why some kids bully or resort to drugs and alcohol. Bullying and drugs and alcohol are ways kids deal with pressure, motivation speaker Mike Donahue told parents at CCCMS Back to School Night on Thursday. Donahue had spoken to middle school students earlier in the day. He shared his personal experience of how he used drugs and alcohol to "self medicate." When reaching out to the students, Donahue used a bag full of the other people's shoes and encouraged them to walk in someone else's shoes on their worst day. One person's shoes he used as example where those belonging to American Idol star Rose Flack. Donahue after an assembly on not using drug and alcohol use, Flack as a senior in high school, approached him after the assembly and said "That's all fine, but I'm still going to smoke pot." What Donahue learned was that that Flack was still struggling with the death of a parent and hurting on the inside. Donahue admitted being a bully when he was in high school, because he had a bad home life and "if I could make someone else feel bad about themselves for 10 minutes, I felt better about myself," he said. Bullying is really about power and the desire to socially dominate someone else, Donahue said. Both bullies and those being bullied come from the same side -- they both feel powerless. Parents can have a huge impact on bullying by empowering their kids, regardless of whether they're bullying or being bullied. But sometimes parents can do too much by "jumping all in," Donahue said. Reporting that your kid is being bullied can have to opposite effect -- the bullying my stop for awhile, but inevitably your kid will have it worse because he or she has "become a snitch." The trick is to listen to your kid, encourage them to talk to you and empower them by letting them handle it or deciding when you can help and what you can do to help them. Kids have different values and instead of dealing with something in a mature way, will got after another kid instead, Donahue said. Donahue told a story how his son had been bullied when moving to a new school. Donhaue said he could tell his son had had a rough day, but it took a lot of prodding for his son to tell him that other kids had called him gay because he didn't laugh at dirty joke. While "that was a great value to instill in your kid," it ended up causing a problem when his son tried to live up to that value. "As a parent you need to teach that value all day long," Donahue said. "But don't be shocked (they have trouble) after they hold up that value in a system going the opposite way." Allowing his son to handle it and only intervene when his son requested it gave his son power in the situation and confidence that he could do something, Donahue said. Sometimes that means letting your kid defend themselves in a fight, he said. The school will have to suspend them for getting into a fight, but your kid at least was able to do something about it. Kids live in a different world than what parents see, Donahue said, and technology has made that even more so true because with texting and social networking, bullies can hide behind phones and computers. It used to be that kids got a break from bullying when they went home, but now that's not necessarily true. To combat that Donahue recommended being aware of what your kids are doing on the computer and their cell phones. As a 42-year-old Donahue admitted he isn't as savvy on his phone as his teenager is. "My son says, Dad, I sometimes think technology is wasted on you," Donahue said. But you don't have to be technologically savvy to see that a text your daughter received bothers her. Again the key is to ask questions and really listen to what your kid has to say, he said. Donahue is author of two books, "Reinventing my Normal" and "Talking to Brick Walls." Read more at www.r5online.com. ___ (c)2011 the Clay Center Dispatch (Clay Center, Kan.) Visit the Clay Center Dispatch (Clay Center, Kan.) at www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?brd=1160 Distributed by MCT Information Services [ Back To TMCnet.com's Homepage ]