[August 11, 2011] Ask a Bachelor: Breakups and beer Goggles Tweet Aug 11, 2011 (McClatchy-Tribune - McClatchy-Tribune News Service via COMTEX) -- Q: I married my first love and he was my first everything. That was nearly 20 years ago. We were best friends and everything else to each other. Now it's over. And I, literally, cannot afford to move on until the house sells so I'm in limbo hell. Being a 40-year-old-divorcee is such a cliche, but that's me. Typing this up just made me feel sadder, more regretful and, yes, embarrassed. I feel the shame I've heard that women experiencing domestic violence feel: like it's their fault so they don't want to talk about it. There's no domestic violence involved; it's "just" the aftermath of emotional coldness and distance while he constructs his new life. I could go on about what happened, giving reasons and assigning blame, but I really need some advice on how to get over a breakup while still living in the same house. (I know: bad idea.) - No Blue Skies For Me A: Breakups are awful, but when you have to interact with the other person every day, in the same environment where you had sunnier days, they're absolute torture. And in this rotten economy, the sad fact is many broken-up couples are in your position. So what can you do to ease the agony? First, take heart that those overused cliches _ time heals all wounds; this, too, shall pass; that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger - are cliches for a reason, much as they might grate your nerves to hear right now. But because this is your first love (and your first breakup, I presume), you don't have any previous experience to draw on. So don't force yourself to feel better just now; instead, trust that they will. And don't watch in mourning as he constructs his new life; focus on yours instead. Get out with supportive friends, volunteer (helping a bigger cause or someone in need always helps put things in perspective) and pamper yourself with exercise and good chocolate. If you must share the house, set up some rules, like no bringing home dates and division of labor and chores, to make the situation as tolerable as possible. And never underestimate the power of a snappy new haircut and time away. Can you stay with friends or family for a while? Now, a few don'ts: Don't get consumed by the blame game, sleep with him or feel embarrassed. On the contrary, you should be proud of yourself for having the guts to put your heart out there. For a taste of real embarrassment - and, hopefully, a laugh - read on. And remember that there are much worse cliches than 40-year-old divorcees. Q: I was at a recent summer festival, and my buddies and I had a good long day of drinking. We go to this big house party afterward and I ended up dancing with this girl who was very cool and seemed cute enough. We grinded (and made out?) for a while. I was pretty foggy the next day but I did have her number in my phone. I texted her and she seemed even cooler than I remembered. So I asked her out for the following week. When I got to her place, I thought the person who answered the door must be her roommate because she was hideous-looking. (I know how bad that sounds.) She says, "I just need a minute!" I realized (crap), this is HER, and I'm thinking, Can I just run to my car and drive away? Can I fake an illness? But I sucked it up and we went to dinner. At the end, I just gave her a polite hug and left. I did call her eventually to say I didn't think we were a good match, but she didn't take that for an answer. She's STILL calling me, texting me, months later. She even found out where I work. So do I tell her the truth? - Embarrassed A: Yeah, you tell her the truth - that you had a rollicking good time the night you met but that, sorry, is as far as it went for you. That you're just not interested. And that she should save herself the trouble of calling and texting because you won't be responding, at all, anymore. Because - and don't be afraid to trot this word out - you're a little concerned she's turning into a stalker. Then, block her phone number and e-mails, and, if necessary, screen your calls at work. The one thing you don't want is for her to show up sobbing in front of your boss in the cafeteria line. And here's another truth for you: If you're so smashed that you can't recall what the gal you were swapping spit with looks like - or that she was so "hideous" you considered ditching her in the daylight - it's time to give the ol' liver a rest, pal. ___ Blane Bachelor is an Atlanta-based writer and author whose work has appeared in a variety of print and online outlets. Got a dilemma about dating, mating or relating you'd like her to tackle? Send an e-mail to [email protected], or visit her website at www.askabachelor.com to submit it. And, yes, Bachelor is her real last name. ___ (c) 2011, McClatchy-Tribune Information Services. _____ TO SUBSCRIBE TO LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS Items in the Love & Relationships package are not included in your MCT News Service subscription. You can subscribe to the Love & Relationships package or purchase the items a la carte on MCT Direct at www.mctdirect.com. 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