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Control alt meet(New Haven Register (New Haven, CT) Via Acquire Media NewsEdge) Dec. 29--Welcome to New Year's Eve -- the official No. 1 Date Night of the entire year. Let us hope that all you singles out there are happily matched up and ready to ring in a new year with that special someone ... Or perhaps not. Perhaps you are among the 10 million American Internet users who say you are currently single and looking for a romantic partner, as reported by the Pew Internet and American Life Project. And maybe, just maybe, you are among the 7.5 million who have actually gone to an online dating site, looking for a partner. Come on, don't be shy. There's nothing wrong with this, says Shana Kopaczewski, an assistant professor of communications at Southern Connecticut State University, who has spent the last few years studying the online dating habits of single Americans. The verdict: More people than ever are meeting dates this way, and yet the stigma still remains. "Hardly anybody wants to admit that it's something they're doing -- not until it works, at least," says Kopaczewski, who first got interested in the topic of online dating the same way a lot of people did: She saw the commercials on television of all the happy couples, smiling adoringly into each other's eyes, or dancing the jitterbug while a fatherly voice said that finding a partner this way is an OK thing to do. "When I saw all the ads, I thought, is this reality?" says Kopaczewski, whose specialty is studying the way people communicate. "Is everybody a happy couple? I had some friends at the time who were trying out online dating, and I was definitely hearing different stories from them. So I decided to research it and find out what the truth is, and then -- well, it turned into my doctoral dissertation." Kopaczewski has studied three popular online dating sites: eHarmony, match.com, and Yahoo Personals, by reading comments that their users posted on a site called edatereview.com, which allows people to tell their stories of what happened to them. There were many more negative comments than positive, she reports, but, she says, that is to be expected. "Many are from people who are ticked off at the process, not the happy and satisfied customers who are off having a good time," she says. "I did see people who had met their soul mates and think it's wonderful, but many more who are unhappy about their experience as a whole. It's a place where people can go to vent." Yet, in analyzing the results, Kopaczewski found it interesting that people complain about the population who seek out dates online, and yet don't seem to notice the irony that they are doing this, too. "It's almost like they want their cake and to eat it, too," she says. "The thinking is they can go online and find someone, and if it works, then it's awesome. But if it doesn't, then they say to themselves, 'I'm a great catch, but I was thrust into this world with crazy, abnormal people in this crazy, abnormal way of dating.'" The trouble, she says, is that we're a society in transition. "There's still a stigma to being single, and everybody is expected to get married, have children and settle down -- and yet the dating infrastructure has changed. There aren't any more matchmakers, and if you don't meet someone at school or at work or get fixed up by friends -- then how are you supposed to meet people? People go online because that's how we communicate with each other these days. And yet there's still a shame about admitting that the 'traditional' way didn't work for you and that you're looking online." But Kopaczewski says this perception is changing over time, as more people know someone who's met their life partner this way. "If you think about dating from a historical perspective, there have been a lot of changes. And every time there's something new, it's strange and takes time for the new to become the norm. "When you tell your family you're looking for dates online, believe me, they're most likely going to be upset. They're going to tell you that it's not safe. The perception of online dating is not helped by stories about online predators. But all in all, the truth is you have to use caution just the same as you would in meeting someone face to face." And there are actual advantages to online dating, Kopaczewski found. "When you meet someone on one of the online dating sites, you know from the start that this is a person who is seeking a romantic relationship. That's not necessarily true when you meet someone in a bar. And chances are a computer has found that the two of you have something in common. Some groundwork has been done." Online dating can also work because you have the chance of meeting so many more people, whereas if you only have the pool of people from school or work to count on, you may go a long time without meeting anyone new. And with the online dating sites, you have a chance to talk online and weed out any people you're not interested in before actually meeting them. You can actually find out a lot about them before you ever get to the face-to-face part. But of course, no questionnaire can predict the most important thing of all: Is there a chemistry between you? "They haven't found a computer program that can predict that certain intangible something," Kopaczewski says. "And maybe that's where the problem is. The sites are attempting to objectify something that is entirely subjective and can't be explained." Some people complain that they feel that going online and paying a dating service is a blatant attempt to purchase love and companionship, and that it's taking a consumerist approach to love. Still, Kopaczewski, who recently presented a paper at a professional conference on communications, says that online dating is here to stay, and that it will grow in popularity as more and more people do it. "It just fits society's needs so well that I can't imagine it won't be more widespread. Soon it will just be seen as one of the ways people use to meet their partners." Her conclusion is that online dating is just another way of meeting the need to meet people, with no more magical power than any of the traditional ways. "It's simply an opportunity to broaden your horizons, get in touch with more people than you might meet in your ordinary life," she says. "It's got its ups and downs, its bad and good experiences. Be careful and be safe. And ... well, you just never know." To see more of New Haven Register, or to subscribe to the newspaper, go to http://www.nhregister.com. Copyright (c) 2008, New Haven Register, Conn. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services. For reprints, email [email protected], call 800-374-7985 or 847-635-6550, send a fax to 847-635-6968, or write to The Permissions Group Inc., 1247 Milwaukee Ave., Suite 303, Glenview, IL 60025, USA. |