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What does it think it is?(Business Day (South Africa) Via Thomson Dialog NewsEdge) What does it think it is? After taking the BMW 760i for a spin, the V12 engine and roominess tax your capacity to work out what exactly you're driving THERE are moments in life that sear themselves onto one's brain forever. Some are trivial, others are where were you when Diana died?" or what were you doing when the twin towers came down?" Some are even more iconic, like dancing a silly little jig in front of a friend of Diana's when you heard she was dead. I did that because I thought Diana was a bit of a thick tart up to no good. I wasn't wrong, obviously, but it was still a bit hideously embarrassing. I mean, if Diana was killed in a hit ordered by the royal family then I'm all for it. Nice to see a bit of backbone in the house of Windsor, I reckon. But, still, best keep it to yourself, hey? Another instance I have in mind occurred during a game of rugby at university. There I was, poised cat-like on the wing. A pass came through to one of the opposition's props and, like the panther I was, I tore after the lumbering oaf and, to my horror, watched him sprint away from me like a hamster in a jet-powered car. In what is a pretty varied and impressive collection of sporting humiliations, this one ranks in the top three. It was then that I realised that I was not really a winger and that four years of serious rowing had done plenty to bulk me up and twice as much to slow me down. I was a JCB on a go-kart track. Oh ja, puberty's a bitch alright. There you are, thinking that you've still got the grace of a pronking springbok when in fact you look like Os du Randt doing ballet in a leotard. And that dreadful, cataclysmic moment of realisation when you realise that you are in fact a small tank, not a Mini Cooper, is one that will stay with you forever. But that moment of clarity is not a given. Some people and, interestingly, some cars never get the gift of clarity. Some people who drive 1-series BMWs actually believe they have a decent car and some class. People drive double-cab bakkies in the amazing belief that they own a decent family 4x4, whereas in fact they own a stupid pick-up truck with all the class and refinement of a Randfontein pub. I know. You almost feel embarrassed for them, don't you? And then there's that BMW 760i with its massive wheels and V12 engine. What exactly does it think it is, a bloody sports car? Well, I was pretty convinced that there was nothing like enough zing to go with the bling on this thing. A combination of those huge 21-inch alloys and that indiscreet sign on each side of the car that shoutily proclaims V12" would rather suggest that the BMW760i is a jumbo jet with the performance of Concorde. Well, it's massive alright, but there's no economy class. There's space there for a round of golf and it's more comfortable than the clubhouse, but, initially at least, you're left thinking that, yes, this is quick for a big car, but a V12 from BMW? Where's the apocalypse? Oh, and the toys! There are toys here to keep the average six-year-old executive fully entertained. Fancy a bit of heat-seeking night vision goggle action? The BM's got you covered with its night-vision camera for those misty, rainy nights. Want your arse cooled on a hot day? No worries on that front either. Want the steering wheel electronically removed out of your way when you stop the car? Okay. No problem. Want to cruise on the freeway or in the 'burbs in almost total silence and complete comfort? Easy! It is, undoubtedly, a great place to be. But I'm skirting the issue here in the name of fairness. Because despite the fact that the 760i is one hell of a beverage, there is a giant turd in this particular punchbowl the lack of performance. It just ain't quick enough. Or, at least, that's what I thought. Then I noticed that because of my stupidly long legs I had positioned the steering wheel in such a way that I had been missing just how much the traction control light had been flickering away. Well, didn't I feel a fool? Pulling away only smartly, I had thought, was, according to the traction control on the 760i, like asking the V12 to move the earth rather than the car. So, after fart-arsing about with the stupidly complicated i-Drive system, I turned the traction control to BMW's all-but-off setting. And, annoyingly, it was a complete transformation. I mean, why is BMW's ABS and traction control so maddeningly, stupidly conservative and interfering? It's like New Labour. It drives me insane. But like any good democracy, thank God you can turn it off. Now, you are no doubt thinking that I was hurtling about the northern suburbs like a 16-year-old Scouser in a stolen Ford Fiesta, but I wasn't, I promise. This is a R1-million car the size of Thabo Mbeki's nice new house. You just can't, with a serious expression, do that. But if I've paid that much green on a BMW of all things, I do want to at least get a sniff of what that six-litre V12 can do. And it can do plenty. It'll propel this two-ton car to 100km/h in 5,5 seconds. That's first-class, but it's after 100km/h that it gets seriously scary. It's like surfing a tsunami there's this seemingly endless swelling of power that easily stares you down in a game of chicken 160km/h is like a stroll to the shops. Few cars make the drive to Cape Town an attractive prospect, but this is one that does. At this point I suppose I should tell you that the 760i has a boot big enough to store several chairmanships and that it has shockingly poor fuel economy, but really, do you care, Mr Motsepe? The truth is that the 760i is Corne Krige playing the lead in Swan Lake it's just that no one's dared tell it that it's a prop forward. I like neither Krige nor ballet I prefer cricket and the Stones but that doesn't mean I'm not seriously, massively impressed. Most crucially, I couldn't see where the omnipotent Mercedes-Benz S-Class is so much better. Let's face it, praise for prancing props doesn't come much higher than that. Copyright 2006 Times Media Ltd.. Source: Financial Times Information Limited - Europe Intelligence Wire. |