[August 04, 2008]

The Arizona Daily Star, Tucson, Bonnie Henry column

(Arizona Daily Star, The (Tucson) (KRT) Via Acquire Media NewsEdge) Aug. 3--If this thing goes to a jury trial, there's no way they'll get a conviction.

By now, everyone knows about Keith Walendowski, whose mug shot rivals only Nick Nolte's in suavity.

Anyway, Walendowski is the Milwaukee man who shot his lawn mower because it would not start.

Breathes there a soul out there who did not feel at least a slight twinge of empathy upon learning this man's tale?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy fired a gun where he obviously shouldn't have. What if the bullet had ricocheted? I'm not downplaying that he committed a foolish, dangerous act.

Plus, he did it with a sawed-off shotgun, which is what really got the cops stirred up.

Shooting a lawn mower is, according to a recent Associated Press account, considered "disorderly conduct while armed." Possessing a sawed-off shotgun is illegal and can carry as much as six years of prison time.

If that happens, let's hope our frustrated mower winds up in a slammer without grass.

Or one where the lawn mowers are all electric. Years ago, when it inexplicably fell to me to cut the grass, I went out and bought an electric mower because, just like Mr. Walendowski, I could not get the @# %&* thing to start.

Worked great until I ran over the cord.

Lawn mowers aren't the only things that raise our ire to the gunpowder stage. One woman on her blog confesses that her "dishwasher won't drain and I'm going to shoot it."

Another Web site shows an old clothes dryer being used for target practice. So unfair. My clothes dryer is at least 20 years old. In that same time span, I've gone through three washing machines.

One was only two years old when it started leaking. We replaced it, rather than spend almost the same amount of money on repairs.

Ten days past its one-year warranty, the replacement washer refused to agitate. We called out a repairman. We got lucky. Seems the manufacturer cuts down the whining by extending the warranty a month.

That same week, our 12-year-old dishwasher gave up the ghost. That, we replaced.

Sometimes appliances shoot back -- aided, of course, by numskulls with too much time on their hands.

I give you this Internet guide, with step-by-step instructions: "How to turn your vacuum cleaner into a bazooka."

Who says the Internet is a waste of time? And if so, why not just shoot your computer?

Plenty are, on YouTube, of course, including one fellow who shoots at his computer with a rifle across a snowy field. Maybe he thought it was a deer.

You can also catch clips of idiots shooting their television sets.

None compares, of course, to Elvis Presley, who shot the lights out of his 25-inch RCA after Robert Goulet appeared on the screen and started to sing.

A couple of years ago, the TV -- and its bullet hole -- was put on exhibit at Graceland.

"This is the only surviving television or appliance that Elvis shot out that was kept," a Graceland spokesman told the AP, which makes one wonder just how many TVs or appliances Elvis shot.

Only once have I ever seen an inanimate object react favorably to violence. After our car stalled once too often, my husband opened the hood, found a rock, and aimed it squarely at the source of the stall.

The car worked perfectly, sans stalls, for the next four years.

Next time, Mr. Walendowski, try a rock.

Bonnie Henry's column also appears Mondays and Thursdays in Accent. Reach her at 434-4074 or at bhenry@azstarnet.com, or write to 3295 W. Ina Road, Suite 125, Tucson, AZ 85741. --Bonnie Henry's two history books are being sold as a set for $50 through Labor Day. Contact Renee Weatherless at 807-7760 or rweath@azstarnet.com to place an order.

To see more of The Arizona Daily Star, or to subscribe to the newspaper, go to http://www.azstarnet.com.

Copyright (c) 2008, The Arizona Daily Star, Tucson
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