In recent meetings with Louie “Big Portions” Calamari (aka, Big P), a Capo in the Lasagna Family of Jersey City, NJ, I got Big P to inform on how the Lasagna Family was able to breach the security of a Hoboken, NJ company’s Wi-Fi network.

According to Big P, it all began when Joe Smith (alias) approached Charlie Smith (no relation) about his suspicions that his wife Irene was having an affair with a co-worker. As Joe stated, “I think she’s doin it with one of the guys in the office. I bet they’re doing kissy-poo love letters on this computer mail crap an talkin on dis voice-over-whatever %$#*@. I wanna find da guy an dis computer crap may be da in.” Joe had approached Charlie because he’s known in the neighborhood for having connections. Charlie is also recognized in the community as a pretty smart guy having graduated from MIT (News - Alert) (Mechanics Institutional Training), a program offered to inmates of New Jersey State Prison in Newark, New Jersey.

A couple of years back, Charlie was found in possession of stolen car parts and did a two to five stretch. He was released after two for good behavior, still pleading his innocence. “It was all a big misunderstanding,” said Charlie.

Charlie went to Big P and asked what to do. Big P called his nephew, Little Frankie, a student at Bayonne High School and a whiz kid by Lasagna family standards – he’s only19 and already a sophomore. He also has “drive,” according to Big P. Little Frankie successfully hacked into his high school’s wireless network and is running a thriving business in stolen exams (i.e. this may also be a explanation of his sophomore status). Anyway, Little Frankie said, “No sweat, this wireless network crap is easy. Even with name and password protection all you need to do is convince someone to give it up.”

Big P was very enthusiastic about this last comment as convincing people to “give it up” is one of his greatest business skills.

Joe was suspicious of a guy at work named Mike Smith (alias) in connection with his wife, so they decided to start with him. Big P and another family associate approached Mike one night when he was leaving a local bar. Unfortunately, Mike got excited and Big P had to knock him unconscious to calm him down. While Big P and his associate were waiting for Mike to revive, they noticed a tattoo on Mike’s right forearm – LOGIN NAME = MIKE, PASSWORD=ME (obvious Wi-Fi security flaw). Since Mike had his Wi-Fi-enabled laptop with him, Big P decided they had collected everything they needed for the caper.

Later, Big P commented, “I wished I woulda seen it sooner. I wouldna bruised my knuckles agin.” Apparently bruised knuckle injuries are a frequent on-the-job hazard for the Lasagna Family.

Finding the laptop and tattoo was also a very lucky break, as unfortunately, Mike passed away later that evening. The local coroner, Tony O’Brien, a cousin by marriage of Big P, listed the cause of death as “complications related to the West Newark Virus,” a common affliction for local residents. Big P figured that in their period of grief Mike’s coworkers would not notice that the laptop was missing and buy some time (another obvious Wi-Fi security flaw).

The following evening, Little Frankie and Big P went to Irene’s company site. The plan was to sit on a bench across the street and hack the wireless network. Being a hot August night, however, they decided to break into the air-conditioned building and do the job from the inside. As Big P related, “Piece of cake; lousy security, cheap alarm system and no night watchman” (another obvious flaw of Wi-Fi security). Little Frankie logged in and scanned Mike’s email but did not find any correspondence with Irene. Next he went to Irene’s office and logged into her desktop computer using the name and password stuck to the screen with a sticky note (another Wi-Fi security fault).

He identified the mysterious lover – Tony Dee a foreman on the company’s loading dock.

Coincidently, Tony Dee is another cousin of Big P and is an undercover employee for Irene’s company under a Lasagna Family contract. Tony Dee provides security (protection as Big P puts it) for Irene’s company. Daily, he sits on the loading dock and watches the shipments come and go. Big P was not happy at this turn of events, as the family does not like mixing business and pleasure. Big P paid a visit to Tony Dee and was advised that the relationship with Irene was strictly business. Apparently, Irene handles all of the paperwork for the company’s shipments. Tony’s relationship with Irene was simply a ploy to get copies of the paperwork. Then, Tony would quickly scan the documents and identify the most valuable shipments.

After Big P convinced the truck drivers to “give up da goods,” they would be rerouted to a Lasagna Family warehouse in Weehawken, NJ to await redistribution.

Big P had taken the contract to get the information on Irene for Joe (remember Joe Smith, Irene’s husband who started all of this?). He was in a dilemma. As he related to me, “I ain’t never not delivered on a contract an I ain’t gonna start now.” He told me he decided to tell Joe the real story and convince him to keep his mouth shut about everything. Of course, he would keep the money Joe paid him since they did identify Irene’s lover.

Unfortunately, Joe disappeared that evening before Big P could talk to him and was never heard from again. Irene was heart-broken but Tony Dee was very sympatric and spent a lot of time consoling her.

In conclusion, we have good news and bad news regarding Wi-Fi security. The bad news is that, as Big P pointed out, some obvious flaws exist that can be used by professionals like him to break into networks. The good news is that the Lasagna Family is moving into the wireless network protection business. As Big P says, “I like dis ting of protectin dees computer clients. Makes us sound real professional like accountants an lawyers havin clients an all dat. It gives da family a good image.”

Big P plans to offer his family’s services for $10 per desktop client per week on a cash only basis.

Delinquent payments will be charged 100 percent per day interest (simple interest, Big P doesn’t like all the math associated with compounding). Little Frankie is dropping out of high school to assist in the start-up. For information on the program you can reach Big P at:www.you_make_it_we_take_it.com. And don’t forget Big P’s new business slogan “satisfaction guaranteed --- or else.” It does have a certain ring to it, doesn’t it?

Happy April First.